So, I’m Not Perfect

In my head I have always had a vision of the mother I was going to be to my children. I was always going to be the mom who was well put together, but I never realized there would be times where my ultimate goal would be to not fall apart.

No, I am not perfect and I think being a mother makes me even more aware of my imperfections. Sometimes, I am not the mother I always dreamed I would be, but there is one thing that will always be the same, I love my kids more than this world and I will do absolutely anything for them.

I know I am really hard on myself and my husband is constantly reminding me that I am. He tells me every day that I am an amazing mommy, but then there are times when I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. There are times that I get incredibly frustrated and in turn that makes me feel horrible. I have two beautiful children, how can I possibly get so upset?

Perfect? Not even close. Before you become a parent, it is incredibly easy to look at someone else’s parenting skills and critique them or judge them. I am guilty of this and it is not until you have your own children that you truly understand, just how hard being a mother really is.

The majority of every day, it is just me and the girls. I am already outnumbered. In raising twins, I have had to figure out a lot of things – feeding at the same time, what to do when they both are crying, carrying two at a time, running errands, and the list goes on.

There are things that I do that works for us and things I swore I would never do with my own kids. Yes, my girls have watched television. I know kids are not supposed to watch any television before they are two, but there are times, I need to take a shower, get some work done,  or even get a breath of air. The majority of the time it is Baby Einstein and that makes me feel a little less guilty but there are other times they catch what the adults are watching.

The girls are not on a daily schedule. I have an approximation of when they will nap or eat, but they really run the show, not me. They eat when they are hungry; they nap when they are sleepy. I still do not have a solid bed time routine. I know it is important to implement this as soon as possible but every night is a little bit different. They do go down pretty good, so I guess I am doing okay. With two babies, I am still figuring things out.

America is on a “back” to sleep campaign and we are told that babies should never sleep on their tummies, and I totally understand this reasoning. However, It is simply a fact, my girls sleep better on their tummies, so we started out letting them nap on their stomachs when we were sitting right next to them. Now, they are sleeping longer and have already starting to be mobile by “skooching.”

Babies should never sleep in your bed because it is dangerous. I guess I broke that rule again and again. If one of my babies is having a hard time falling asleep and it means no one is going to get sleep, she is coming to bed with me. After the 5:30 a.m. feeding, my husband gets ready for work. Often, I bring both girls to bed and we snuggle for another hour before we get up.

When one of my babies was very constipated and in pain, I gave her an ounce of prune juice diluted with water. I am told that babies are not supposed to have juice so young and I tore myself up debating on if it was the right thing to do. It was only one ounce of juice and it worked. My baby felt better and I felt like I did the right thing for us.

I always thought I was going to breast feed. I took all of the classes and was as prepared as I could be. Unfortunately, my girls were not as prepared. I went to multiple lactation consultations and my girls were simply not latching. I was stressed out and crying every single day. I felt like a failure. For the first couple weeks, I pumped every 2 hours just so I could feed my girls and it finally got to be too much. I was emotionally breaking down every day and making myself sick. Finally, I decided it was okay if they were formula fed and  honestly, it was the best decision for us.

No, I am not a perfect mother and yes I have guilt for doing some of the things that you are not supposed to do. When it is just the three of us, there are naturally going to be some days that are harder than others and I have to kick it up to twin survival mode.

I know some will judge me because I used to be one of those people but I know that I am doing everything I can to keep us ALL happy and healthy and that includes a healthy Mama!

So, I am not perfect but I  am doing the best that I can and taking it day by day. I truly believe being a mother is the hardest job in the world but definitely the most rewarding. Every day my girls are learning something new and it is amazing to watch them grow. I feel so blessed to have two beautiful, healthy, happy girls.



Posted on October 20, 2011, in Twins. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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